A joint task force consisting of the Department of Justice (DOJ), the FBI, the Federal Housing Finance Agency (FHFA), and the National “Intelligence” agencies will be investigating God and a mysterious woman known as “Mother Nature” for attempting to disrupt Trump’s Great American State Fair and his related rally on the National Mall in Washington, DC.
Bill Pulte, Director of FHFA and Acting Director of National “Intelligence,” flanked by Kash Patel (FBI) and Todd Blanche (Acting Attorney General), spoke at a hastily-called press conference to announce the investigation after high temperatures disrupted the July 4th festivities and delayed Trump’s speech on the National Mall. It was noted that Mr. Patel appeared to be extremely angry, although some sources who spoke on condition of anonymity said that that’s just how he looks.
Attributing the extreme weather to enemies of the President, Mr. Pulte announced that the Administration would leave no stone unturned to bring God and Mother Nature to justice. Among the charges contemplated are false statements on mortgage applications made by God and/or Mother Nature, sedition, and attempted disruption of governmental operations. Mr. Blanche particularly decried the weather’s effects on ongoing Presidential grifting at the Great American State Fair.
U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia, Jeanine Pirro, who also spoke at the press conference, said that God and/or Mother Nature might also be involved in the ongoing vandalism of the reflecting pool. She promised that an indictment will be sought from a DC Grand Jury as soon as the evidence is concocted.