I was on the way home from the gym the other day when a woman on a bicycle swerved by me to enter the driveway of a building that I was passing. She saw me jump out of her way, and she stopped her bicycle a few feet away from me and asked, “Did you smell that?” Not having smelled anything unusual–and not being stupid–I shook my head.
Apropos of nothing at that point, she declared that various women in the neighborhood have butt implants and those woman are stinky. She said that they smell like a combination of dank old person and poop. (She mentioned a few other smells in the combination, but all I remember is the old person and poop aspects of her narrative.)
I said that I was aware of the smell of pot throughout the neighborhood and asked her if that might be what she was talking about.
“No,” she said, “I am going to be honest with you. I smoke weed. Do I smell like weed?” She then held her hand to her nose and held it out to me, so I dutifully went over and smelled her hand. “No,” I said, “I don’t smell anything. Are you saying the butt implants smell?”
“I’m not sure,” she said, “but I think it’s the implants and the women not being able to wipe themselves because their butts are so big now. You know, bad hygiene.”
Our dear orange leader did not win the Nobel Peace Prize today, but that’s only because made-up peace treaties and endless politicking for the award apparently don’t count for much with the committee that makes the selection. But if he looks at it with his usual restrained judgment, this cloud has several silver linings.
First, there’s always next year, and if the cease fire (or whatever it is) between Hamas and Israel holds (admittedly, a big if) the prize will be in the bag next year–assuming Trump doesn’t start any new wars and that he limits his extra-judicial executions of alleged drug runners in the Gulf of Whatever-It’s-Called. (Mr. Trump, please note that politically-motivated jailings or extra-judicial killings of domestic opponents here in the U.S. will earn serious demerits in the Nobel Committee’s future deliberations.)
Second, Trump can use the “snub” as more ammunition for his resentment, feelings of victimization, and all-around bottomless well of anger and paranoia. These feelings will no doubt be compounded by the fact that they gave the prize to a Venezualan woman! Besides their usefulness for uniting his base, these feelings almost certainly will make Trump feel good. So he has another year of that.
And third, this “snub” gives Trump grounds for reprisals against Norway. And for Trump, there’s nothing like some good revenge to get the blood flowing.
Here are some tidbits from a visit to the National Mall in Washington, DC
No Surprise There
Today, I visited the National Mall in DC to see the Trump-Epstein statue. Here’s what I saw:
The Trump-Epstein statue wuz here
A local TV news reporter and cameraman who were standing around (seemingly looking for someone more interesting to talk to than me) said that although the permit for the statue was not supposed to expire until Sunday, Park Service officials removed the statue this morning. (It’s Wednesday.) The reporter kindly pointed out to me that someone marked the spot where the statue had been with the words “They got a room.”
The statue’s disappearance is less surprising than the fact that someone–presumably a soon-to-be ex-employee of the Park Service–approved the permit in the first place. The statue was a form of First Amendment expression, and this Administration has made it clear, through words, threats, and deeds, that the First Amendment no longer protects expression that displeases the bloated orange dictator.
So the Trump-Epstein statue is gone. Unfortunately, for the swelling pumpkin man, the Epstein drama is not going away as quickly and easily as the statue did.
Soldiers on the Mall
Having not seen what I figured I wouldn’t see, I walked around the mall. (The joys of retired life.) There, I saw groups of National Guard soldiers, armed with long guns–no doubt for protection against the hordes of vicious squirrels who hang out on the mall.
Make my day, Squirrel boyPotentially vicious mall squirrel
We see groups of National Guard soldiers at random places around town.
Yesterday, I also saw a large group of FBI uniformed personnel gathering near one of the Gallery Place Metro entrances. (I am not sure what a group of FBI agents is called. Is it a “herd,” a “pride,” a “gaggle,” a “school,” a “flock,” a “murder”?) After a while, having apparently gotten their assignments, they headed out for some performative patrolling and harassing of the locals.
Finally, here’s what’s coming soon:
Trump to pave DC’s National Mall and bring in high-end retail; renaming also planned.
In an exciting development, President Trump is set to announce plans to pave the National Mall, bring in national chain stores, and rename the mall in honor of our “greatest President.”
According to Trump, “It’s supposed to be a mall, but there are no cell phone stores, no food courts, and no Macy’s, J.C. Penny’s or Nordstroms. You can’t even find an Auntie Ann’s pretzel shop! The ‘National Mall’ is dying. My executive order will turn this grass and dirt wasteland into the greatest mall in history. Many people have been asking me to do this. Everyone thinks this is a brilliant idea, and they all say that there is no one who could do it like I will. But people are begging me to make one other change. They say I should change the name because ‘National Mall’ is a terrible name. Nobody is going to come to shop at the ‘National Mall.’ So I asked them, what should I name it? I don’t want to name it after me, because so many great things already are named after me, but everyone is begging me to do just that. So we’re going to call it the ‘Trump National Mall.’ That has a nice to ring to it, doesn’t it? Very dignified. People will flock to it. We’ll move some of the memorials, which are very depressing and don’t belong in a mall. Then we’ll fill in the grass and dirt with very good concrete. It’ll be unlike anything anyone has ever seen.”
In a bid to assure a Nobel Peace Prize, Trump plans to offer Vladimir Putin eastern Ukraine in exchange for Putin’s assurance that Russia will halt its attempts to annex the rest of Ukraine at least until 2029. According to unnamed White House officials, Trump’s advisors also have urged him to consider renouncing the United States’ claim to Alaska if the Russian leader balks at the eastern Ukraine offer. “If that’s what it takes to seal a deal (and win Trump a Nobel Peace Prize), it would be well worth it,” said one advisor. “We think Putin would definitely go for it, especially if he has to cease hostilities only until 2029 (when Trump supposedly will be out of office). And it won’t be hard to persuade Trump to make the offer. He already thinks Alaska is in Russia, so he won’t view it as a concession. The difficulty will be getting Trump to stop talking about White House redecorating plans.”
