As the title indicates, this is totally made up. It’s satire. Not real. But probably true.
The role of Putin will be played by “Putin.” The aide will be identified as “Alexei,” because, why not?
Alexei: So Mr. Putin, how did your call with the American President go?
Putin: It was hilarious, as always. Trump is side-splitting without intending to be funny at all. He was crying and begging. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. I haven’t enjoyed such blubbering and begging since the old KGB days interrogating political prisoners.
Alexei: Really? What was he begging for?
Putin: He was begging for diesel. He was going on and on about how if we didn’t give the U.S. a bunch of diesel to make up for the shortages he caused by attacking Iran, his party would be decimated in their upcoming elections, and he might find himself impeached again. He said that even the farmers are starting to turn against him.
Alexei: And what did you say?
Putin: Well, first I asked him why the U.S. is even holding elections. Why doesn’t he just call them off or fix the outcome like we do. I’ll quote his answer: “We’re working on that, but it’s a little more difficult than we thought because everyone in my Administration is a moron.”
Alexei: Sad. And hilarious.
Putin: Yes. And then I told him that we couldn’t supply enough diesel to make a significant difference in the price of diesel that U.S. farmers and truckers will have to pay.
Alexei: And what he say to that?
Putin: Well, at first he didn’t understand my point. He’s not very bright, as we all know.
Alexei: Not very bright? He was a complete ignoramus before he started showing signs of advanced dementia.
Putin: Yes, that’s why he’s so valuable. That and the dirt that we have on him. You know, those tapes?
Alexei: Oh yes, the tapes. Did you threaten him with the tapes?
Putin: I didn’t have to mention any of the videos because he’s so desperate. So after I explained for the third time that U.S. prices would probably not move significantly if we give them diesel, he said that it doesn’t matter, because all he needs to do is tell his supporters how hard he’s working for them, and that the prices are going down even if they aren’t. He said the MAGA people are so dumb that they’ll believe him rather than their credit card statements. So then I stated our conditions.
Alexei: Which were?
Putin: He had to denounce Ukraine and blame them for the diesel shortages and price hikes. He had to call for Zelenskyy to be replaced. And he had to announce that there’s an agreement that Russia and Ukraine will not attack each other’s fuel refineries and infrastructure.
Alexei: You want to stop attacking Ukraine’s energy infrastructure?
Putin: Of course not. I want Ukraine to stop attacking our energy refineries and infrastructure. We’re going to attack one of their power plants right after Trump announces the so-called deal.
Alexei: Trump will look like a complete idiot.
Putin: Sometimes looks are not deceiving.
Alexei: Why make Trump look even worse than he already does?
Putin: Because it’ll make the U.S. look ridiculous, and it will show Trump and his buffoons who the true master of disruption is.
Alexei: Comrade Putin, you are a genius.
Putin: Of course.